The realities…
7th June 2023
It wasn’t my original intent in this blog to go on a feminist rant about the expectations of women in their middle years, but it seems to have morphed into that!
Let’s get back to it though. Why am I going on my own? In all honesty the initial reason was financial, not some grand feminist statement, this is not a cheap trip, and to bring 3 additional people along was not viable for us a family. But that wasn’t the only reason.
It’s not really my husband’s thing. He likes a beach, a swimming pool and a bar. He works really hard and wants his holiday to be a relaxing thing. Whilst I also love that kind of holiday, for a while, I like to explore. I like to see a bit of the country or place we’re visiting, I like some context and to get away from really touristy things.
My daughter is 15, and for her this trip is a nightmare, no guarantee of phone signal, humidity to mess with her hair, lots of travelling around and being stuck with us for two weeks. Again, it’s just not her thing, I expect in a few years when she (hopefully) goes off travelling she will see things differently, but at the moment it’s a no.
My son is 9, it really IS his idea of fun. He’d love it, the adventure the exploring, the animals. But there is a limit to how much he’d tolerate some elements of the adventure, the travelling would be hard on him and although I think he’d have an amazing time, we would have had to adjust the itinerary to suit.
Here comes the selfish bit. I don’t want to adjust the itinerary. This is MY dream holiday, I’ll only get to do it once, I’m hoping my kids will be able to travel when they leave school with the money we’ve saved for them. They can go and live their lives and dreams in a way that simply wasn’t possible for me. I can’t go off on a gap year and leave everyone and everything to travel (and I wouldn’t want to!) But I can do this. I can go and live my dream for a couple of weeks, and see the things I’ve dreamed about, without worrying if everyone else is having a good time.
Space and time for myself is something I value incredibly highly. Sitting in my chair in the living room now. The sun is glancing in through the window, warming my arm as I type. Snoring gently to my right, the dog is sprawled across the carpet. I can hear the house sparrows chattering away in the front garden. There’s not a TV or radio on. Just me and my laptop and it’s frustratingly sticky full stop button. I need this. As a tutor and forest school leader I spend my days with children, always being fully present, being on show, putting on my game face, no matter what is happening in my life. Those children deserve that, and I’m happy to give it. But it can be exhausting. Time to recharge by myself is vital for me to be able to maintain that level of showmanship in my working life. I have to be a slightly different version of me for each of the children I work and interact with - that’s sometimes 200 children a week. I’m always me, but sometimes they need a fun Sarah, sometimes they need a calm Sarah, and anything in between.
Lots of people have asked me if I’ll be bored travelling alone. I don’t get bored by myself. I’m able to sit quietly and just be in my surroundings. Being in nature is especially soothing. I’m happy to really absorb myself in the beauty of a flower, or mushroom. I like the feel of bark against the palm of my hand as I stand in a woodland, listening to the birds. Watching the light change as a cloud races across the sun. For hours, l’ll watch the mason and leaf cutter bees making their home in the bee hotel in my garden. Anyone who has been to my house will tell you this time is taken at the expense of an immaculately clean and tidy house.
I’m also an avid reader - according to my Goodreads page I read 109 books last year, and have devoured 60 this year. There are honestly not enough hours in the day for me to read everything I want to, so the prospect of a 20 hour journey is actually an exciting, rather than daunting prospect.
With the above said, I’m not a total introvert. I enjoy chatting to new people, I often get a bit anxious in a situation with lots of new people but I’m not bad at starting up conversations, I’m looking forward to meeting fellow travellers, sharing stories, having shared adventures. I don’t think I’ll be lonely. Will I miss my family. God yes! With all this bravado about solo travelling it might be easy to think that I sound like I won’t miss them. I know I will. I always joke about being glad to be away from them all, but we’re pretty close. I’ll miss my kids, it will be hard not seeing them everyday. The longest we’ve been apart is a week. So this will be difficult. I know I’ll be thinking and worrying about them, even though they are in the incredibly capable hands of my husband. Both kids are super independent, we’ve bought them up to be part of the family team, they can perform the chores and their respective age- related abilities and are thoroughly capable of living without me for 19 days. I’m pretty sure they’ll miss me too, maybe not my nagging! But I know they are both very excited and happy for me. Not seeing my husband for such a long while will also be hard, but it’s just a holiday! Think of all those people with partners in the military, or who work away for extended periods, and it’s not like I’m going where I can make the odd video call or check in. This is not going to be radio silence!
My mum, sister and nephews are also very close to me, geographically and emotionally, they’ll be hard to say goodbye to as well. But how lovely will it be when I’m back, so much to catch up on and stories to share. I’m looking forward to the family BBQ when I get back and boring them senseless with my stories - I’ll be making a slideshow on the way home!!!