The Dream
It all begins with an idea.
Wednesday 24th May - 54 days to go
I think this is a blog series about following your dreams. It’s certainly about following my dream. Since I was small I remember being obsessed with orang-utans. I can’t pin point why, I’m pretty sure it has something to do with my being a red head - being ginger was certainly not cool growing up in the 80s and 90s and I was mercilessly bullied for my hair colour throughout secondary school. I loved school though, there were difficulties for sure, but I was bright and I had a brilliant group of friends. On the whole school was a good place for me, bullying and mental health issues aside. I was pretty stubborn, the oldest of 4 and was no pushover. I carved a niche for myself and I still count friends I made at school as some of my dearest now.
So I can’t say why orang-utans; but they have always been on my bucket list. I’ll be 40 this year and I’m finally in a place financially where being able to travel to the other side of the world is a possibility. This blog is written from a place of enormous privilege. My husband and I both work for ourselves (after many years working for others) and we both earn a good wage. We have no debt (after a very long slog of paying off a huge amount of it.) We’re not rich by Western standards, but we are comfortable, this is something I will never take for granted. I grew up in a single parent household. My mum bought my sister, brother and I up on her own for the first few years of our lives. We lived in, what I now recognise, as near poverty. It must have been insanely hard for mum, but we were shielded from so much of that struggle. As an adult, after graduating from university with a significant amount of debt it took years to get out of that cycle, poor mental health causing poor spending decisions, causing more debt, in turn affecting my mental wellness. I never again want to slip into that cycle, but I understand how easy it is to fall into that trap. That ever wakeful, ever fearful how will I pay for this, will there be a bailiff at the door, I can’t open that letter - the utter exhaustion of that life.
Here I am. I’m 39, I’m healthy and fulfilling a life long dream is in reach. Many people would have been planning this for a good deal longer, but a bit like our wedding (organised in 6 weeks!) It’s somewhat last minute. A tour was booked in March for mid July, flights confirmed and a countdown app downloaded on my phone. Excitement abound. Actually a lot of angst before the excitement, the initial quote I received was more than I had anticipated, beyond what we could afford. I cried. I couldn’t go. Next year. A pep talk later from mum and I looked at booking the tour and flight elements separately, over £1000 saved and the trip was back on. But not before the guilt. This is a LOT of money. We’re saving to buy a home. I’ll be going on my own. How selfish of me. To leave my husband and children behind. To follow my own dream and to sacrifice our family dreams of home ownership and long term stability for another year. For that money we could go on a wonderful family holiday.
I expect many people would agree that this is a selfish thing to do. To go away for 2 weeks alone, and leave responsibilities and family behind. In fact many friends and acquaintances have expressed surprise at my decision. ‘You’re going on your own?” “Will your husband and kids manage without you?” “Will you be lonely?”
And it is surprising, how many married women, with families, do you know that go off on their own traveling? I can’t think of any that I know personally. Perhaps a girls weekend, or a hen-do. But solo-travelling? I certainly know a fair few men who go off on ski holidays for longer periods, or to motor racing events though, business trips. I rarely hear the same reactions about their choices. This misogyny is hardly surprising for us women. We deal with it on a daily basis. Our decisions scrutinised, our independence eroded - even in these more ‘enlightened’ times. From our lower pay, reduced career opportunities, our inability to go out at night without being fearful, our murder at the hands of men, the slut-shaming, and women-blaming culture, the “you were asking for it” mentality that pervades our so-called civilised society.
When we do go off on a hen-do or girls night our husbands, our children’s fathers are often referred to as ‘baby-sitting’ their own children. The women organise things, put meals in the fridge, text reminders about bedtime and school pick ups. When was the last time a man in your life did that when they were off out to the pub with some mates?
The realities…
It all begins with an idea.
7th June 2023
It wasn’t my original intent in this blog to go on a feminist rant about the expectations of women in their middle years, but it seems to have morphed into that!
Let’s get back to it though. Why am I going on my own? In all honesty the initial reason was financial, not some grand feminist statement, this is not a cheap trip, and to bring 3 additional people along was not viable for us a family. But that wasn’t the only reason.
It’s not really my husband’s thing. He likes a beach, a swimming pool and a bar. He works really hard and wants his holiday to be a relaxing thing. Whilst I also love that kind of holiday, for a while, I like to explore. I like to see a bit of the country or place we’re visiting, I like some context and to get away from really touristy things.
My daughter is 15, and for her this trip is a nightmare, no guarantee of phone signal, humidity to mess with her hair, lots of travelling around and being stuck with us for two weeks. Again, it’s just not her thing, I expect in a few years when she (hopefully) goes off travelling she will see things differently, but at the moment it’s a no.
My son is 9, it really IS his idea of fun. He’d love it, the adventure the exploring, the animals. But there is a limit to how much he’d tolerate some elements of the adventure, the travelling would be hard on him and although I think he’d have an amazing time, we would have had to adjust the itinerary to suit.
Here comes the selfish bit. I don’t want to adjust the itinerary. This is MY dream holiday, I’ll only get to do it once, I’m hoping my kids will be able to travel when they leave school with the money we’ve saved for them. They can go and live their lives and dreams in a way that simply wasn’t possible for me. I can’t go off on a gap year and leave everyone and everything to travel (and I wouldn’t want to!) But I can do this. I can go and live my dream for a couple of weeks, and see the things I’ve dreamed about, without worrying if everyone else is having a good time.
Space and time for myself is something I value incredibly highly. Sitting in my chair in the living room now. The sun is glancing in through the window, warming my arm as I type. Snoring gently to my right, the dog is sprawled across the carpet. I can hear the house sparrows chattering away in the front garden. There’s not a TV or radio on. Just me and my laptop and it’s frustratingly sticky full stop button. I need this. As a tutor and forest school leader I spend my days with children, always being fully present, being on show, putting on my game face, no matter what is happening in my life. Those children deserve that, and I’m happy to give it. But it can be exhausting. Time to recharge by myself is vital for me to be able to maintain that level of showmanship in my working life. I have to be a slightly different version of me for each of the children I work and interact with - that’s sometimes 200 children a week. I’m always me, but sometimes they need a fun Sarah, sometimes they need a calm Sarah, and anything in between.
Lots of people have asked me if I’ll be bored travelling alone. I don’t get bored by myself. I’m able to sit quietly and just be in my surroundings. Being in nature is especially soothing. I’m happy to really absorb myself in the beauty of a flower, or mushroom. I like the feel of bark against the palm of my hand as I stand in a woodland, listening to the birds. Watching the light change as a cloud races across the sun. For hours, l’ll watch the mason and leaf cutter bees making their home in the bee hotel in my garden. Anyone who has been to my house will tell you this time is taken at the expense of an immaculately clean and tidy house.
I’m also an avid reader - according to my Goodreads page I read 109 books last year, and have devoured 60 this year. There are honestly not enough hours in the day for me to read everything I want to, so the prospect of a 20 hour journey is actually an exciting, rather than daunting prospect.
With the above said, I’m not a total introvert. I enjoy chatting to new people, I often get a bit anxious in a situation with lots of new people but I’m not bad at starting up conversations, I’m looking forward to meeting fellow travellers, sharing stories, having shared adventures. I don’t think I’ll be lonely. Will I miss my family. God yes! With all this bravado about solo travelling it might be easy to think that I sound like I won’t miss them. I know I will. I always joke about being glad to be away from them all, but we’re pretty close. I’ll miss my kids, it will be hard not seeing them everyday. The longest we’ve been apart is a week. So this will be difficult. I know I’ll be thinking and worrying about them, even though they are in the incredibly capable hands of my husband. Both kids are super independent, we’ve bought them up to be part of the family team, they can perform the chores and their respective age- related abilities and are thoroughly capable of living without me for 19 days. I’m pretty sure they’ll miss me too, maybe not my nagging! But I know they are both very excited and happy for me. Not seeing my husband for such a long while will also be hard, but it’s just a holiday! Think of all those people with partners in the military, or who work away for extended periods, and it’s not like I’m going where I can make the odd video call or check in. This is not going to be radio silence!
My mum, sister and nephews are also very close to me, geographically and emotionally, they’ll be hard to say goodbye to as well. But how lovely will it be when I’m back, so much to catch up on and stories to share. I’m looking forward to the family BBQ when I get back and boring them senseless with my stories - I’ll be making a slideshow on the way home!!!
The Journey Begins
It all begins with an idea.
A few little thoughts on the start of my journey.
It was hard saying goodbye to Ad and the kids, Bertie had a sickness bug this weekend and he looked pale and poorly as we left. Scarlett cried which I wasn’t expecting. I’m glad they dropped me at the station though, and I didn't sneak off while they were at school, train and taxi and train and finally at Heathrow T5 - to the bar for a couple of drinks before my flight.
The flight was long but uneventful, so glad to have extra legroom on the emergency seat. I was sat next to a couple of guys off to the Women’s World Cup in Australia. Managed to sleep about 6 hours. Spent a great deal of flight confused about why it was still dark, surely we should have flown into the day time - the windows have a magic coating thingy which makes the flight dark - we had not broken the laws of the universe - even BA isn’t that good.
Singapore Change airport, where I had to transit for a short while, is massive and beautiful.
Onto Kuala Lumpur for less than 24 hours- the KLIA express train from the airport to the main train station is brilliant, I couldn’t find my hotel in the, frankly ridiculously huge, Sentral Station in KL, but eventually got there. Ordered room service - felt fancy. The most camp man ever bought me my food. He was a delight, he noted we had the same colour hair, as he flounced out of my room he gave me a wave and said “bye hair twin!”
I went to Petronas towers - you can’t not, they are amazing, the shopping mall is ridiculous, everything from M and S to Gucci, air conditioned which is lovely.
The onto the Bird Park - kind of good - kind of a bit crap, lots of birds roaming ‘free’ under large netting but plenty in cages, quite expensive to get in, but nice to see some exotic birds.
Walked to botanic gardens, not far, but its so hot and humid, everything feels hard. I could feel it was about to rain, and boy did it pour. Sheltered for a while but then walked to museum, which was closing - note to self, check closing times before doing itinerary. Got a Grab (like Uber. For this country bumpkin, where Uber is NOT a thing within 50mile of where I live, it has been a total revelation, I love it. Its insanely cheap if you’re coming from the UK, I’ve travelled MILES for hardly any money.)
Back to the airport for the flight to Kuching, Sarawak, BORNEO - I have too much stuff. My bags are really heavy. But when I look, everything seems essential… trying to use up my beauty products to make things lighter (not sure it’ll make much difference, but I’ll have lovely hair and skin by the time I get home.)